Now what?

I’ve not realized up until now that. I may just be digging my own grave what with all the staying up for more than twenty four hours, catching only but for a few stolen winks..

I love being alive.. But hated and detest living.. I may or may not have found my purpose yet but, I don’t think it’ll motivate me enough to wake me up out of this stupor I’ve slipped myself into. Its easy not to fall asleep, with all the thoughts running through my mind I can’t seem to comprehend.

Spending most of my waking time burying my nose on just about any kind of book I’ve stumbled into, helps me rear my thoughts. Helps me push them back to the confines of a black, fire and waterproof box buried at the back of my mind along with a few thousand more. Its just that Im having a hard time understanding things.

Until almost recently, my emotion’s almost non existent.. My laughs are fake, my smiles a thousand-watt pretentious. I need something real. I need something to make me feel alive. Something to make me feel like this pathetic life is worth living for. I don’t just need direction. I need a catalyst. And I need it now. Before its too goddamn late.