Hey, Babe..
You don’t know me, and I don’t know you. We’ve yet to meet or if we already did, you and I are currently oblivious to whatever the future holds for the both of us..
All I know right this very moment, is that I can’t wait to be with you. I can’t wait to love you and show you how much I’ve waited for somebody like you, for someone to come home to.
For the longest time, I thought I wasn’t ready to fall in love until I realised I was just waiting for someone to catch me and fall in love with me too. I’ve always used being poly as an excuse to not commit into a relationship the way you probably are used to so might as well explain this to you.. I chose to be poly because of you.
My previous relationships taught me and made me realise that I will never be good enough for you. That I may have a lot of things to offer but that I alone, will never be able to give you everything that you want, need and deserve. And that if you happen to find those things I cannot provide from someone else, that I’ll be more than happy to let you.
You may try to convince me otherwise but I’d rather you not. I love you too much I’d rather see you be happy with someone than to see you be less happy or worse, be miserable with me.
But until next, my love.
Yours now and always,
k
Hey, Babe..
And so here I am again. I’ve missed you, by the way! I’ve been away the last couple of days and I wish we went to Isle of Wight together and experience my first UK festival with you. But hey, we can’t have it all, can we? I’m pretty sure we’ll have plenty of firsts too.
Anyhoo, how are youuu? Gosh, I know how cheesy this shit is but what the hell? Haha. Might as well go for it. At least I’ve a bit of an outlet instead of bottling everything up.
Strangers will know firsthand how much I’m looking forward to meet you. Having a couple of days off with no one to spend it with is doing my head in. Mind you, I would’ve gone to work, bu the heat is legit killing me. It’s almost as hot as in the Philippines.
Speaking of the Philippines, I can’t wait to go home and introduce you to my parents! Although they’re not too keen on me being gay (HAHA), I’m pretty sure they’ll eventually love you as much as I do. You’ll be the first partner they’ll meet. Possibly not the last, but hopefully we’ll still have a blast. (I tried to make it rhyme!)
And I’m sleepy nowww.
Til next, my love..
Yours now and always,
k
PS
I woke up and eventually became an adult and finished the laundry and ironed my uniforms and while I was in the middle of it all, I realised you are going to be one lucky arse. I never ever did enjoy doing the laundry and ironing my clothes, but the thought of doing those things for you warmed my stone cold heart a wee bit. I reckon I’m just excited to do these things for you. Come home now, will you?
(I wasn’t shitting when I said I was ironing my uniform. Haha. And that was a selfie from the festival’s staff campsite. Fun. Not.)
I don’t have a title for this post since I don’t even know why I’m writing it.
Have you ever felt like you’ve shut yourself down so hard you forget how to be normal anymore? To make connections, to feel and let people in your life, to let go and to let yourself fall, maybe not for the perfect person, but for someone who’s willing to catch you, even though you’re full of thorns and is already broken?
I’m not sure anymore if I chose to be like this, to be more than cautious, to be a cold hearted bloody bitch, to be someone who can’t seem to care anymore. Or if I was made to be one. I know I am still in control, but I don’t know of what anymore.
I throw myself at work to try and forget what bothers me, which isn’t much, but when some does, it just does. My family, I know they will always be there, and I don’t want to trouble them with my insanity. My friends, they’re great; but I don’t think anyone will ever understand me. I have trained myself to just rely on me, to almost need not to seek help, or even to just find someone to share my thoughts to.
People tried to get me to open up. Hell, my ex tried for three years and for the life of me, I tried to let her in; and I failed. I envy the people who can let themselves be vulnerable, I envy them for never loosing hope that they will be happy. I envy them for knowing that it wouldn’t last, but still, they cling to it desperately praying it will.
I know I’m not afraid of getting hurt. Hell, I crave it. But why can’t I let myself go?
Sooo.
I have always looked forward to travelling. To take in the world, to catch a glimpse of and to get involved with different human culture, to engage in a nearly endless journey of getting from one place to another, the longer, the better. But then again, adulting is hard, bes. Hahaha.
Back when I was in the Philippines, as embarrassing as it is, I lived off my parents for 26 years until I eventually got a job and moved here in the UK November of 2016. As much as I wanted to travel back then, I couldn’t because I was skint AF. Haha. Then when I got here, I finally had the chance and the means (finances, bes. haha) to go wherever I wanted to go. I have been to a few places with my family and friends and it has been brill! We’ve enjoyed our adventures and getting lost with your friends, in a not-so-familiar place, was an experience I would never trade. Haha. Yet I’ve always been keen to wander on my own.
A few days from now, I’ll be off up north and will finally get to travel on my own. The picture below was when I went to London to visit and stay with my aunt and this time, I don’t know anyone from Manchester so wish me luck! Haha.
I promise to write an update and post photos as soon as I get back. Til next! x
It’s been years since I wrote something and one thing I noticed is that it seems like I can only write when I’m not in a relationship so might as well take advantage of it. Haha.
So here’s what’s on my mind right now..
I’ve never talked to another girl until after my almost 3 year relationship ended a few months back, and I’m not winning. Haha. It’s not a competition, don’t get me wrong, but it’s something I’m clearly not good at at the moment. I got so used to talking to just one person that keeping up a conversation with others is just pure torture, not just to me, but also to the person I’m trying to talk to and get to know. So, my question really is: how do you get to know someone, when you can’t even keep a conversation up?
I’ve yet to find the answer to that question, but I’ve realised that my being a private person is not helping. I like to keep my thoughts to myself because one, I don’t think people will understand me and two, they never did. Most of the times, they’re just not interested, and frankly, I don’t mind it at all. I am not in this spherical thing to explain myself to anyone nor to be understood; I am here to be accepted for who I am and what I am not. I’ve yet to find someone who’ll acknowledge that I’m just not vocal enough and that I’m more than contented to just listed to her talk. And boy, women love to talk. Haha.
My friends might not think of me as one who likes to keep to herself because sometimes, I let a controlled amount of my personality slip when I feel like sharing. Haha. But it’s mostly to make them think and feel like they know me and then be comfortable around me and I guess apart from it, my other outlet is through writing, which I haven’t been doing much.
But really, going back to what I was originally saying, help a lass out, will you? Haha.
PS
I’m still craving for pasta.
I don’t usually do this but since it’s my first time to ever win an online contest, I’m going to share it to all of you guys because I’m just sooo happyyy! Yippiieee! *insert dancing emoticon here*
Here goes! A month or so ago, I was reading my timeline on Twitter when I stumbled upon a tweet with a picture of SmartBros’ (a telecommunications carrier here in the Philippines for those who aren’t familiar) Capture Your Adventure Promo wherein one could win a Fujifilm Instax Mini 25 camera. I seldom join online contest because it just wasn’t my style though that time, I was just sooo bored I ended up registering myself.
We were on our way to an event (26 May 2015) when I received a call from Smart and I remember being confused as to why they were calling me since I always pay my bills in advance and in full to avoid disconnection because I am very dependent on my internet connection. And then my confusion turned into shock when the lady on the other line congratulated me before informing me what promo I won because I already forgot about it. What she told me then, was lost on me because I still couldn’t believe it! Hahaha! All I remembered was that they’ll be sending me a congratulatory letter that Im supposed to present when I claim the prize. Weee!
I received the letter 02 June 2015, a week after the phone call. I immediately called Ms. Mari to inform her that I got the letter. She then told me that she will ship the prize right away.
Days and weeks went by and I was just sooo excited to receive my prize I ended up almost not leaving the house for fear of not being at home when it finally arrived. Hahahaha! After a week, I sort of felt a little bit pessimistic because Im loosing my patience! And I am a very patient person. Hahaha! Though I tried to talk to myself (mental reasoning hahaha) to be more patient and that their courier may not be the next-day-delivery type. And that they may be finishing paperworks I believe is usually associated with this sort of stuff. And a looot more of mentally convincing myself. Hahaha!
After two weeks, I received a phone call from Ms Mari again informing me that she just had the item shipped a day ago and I was like, okayyy! Hahaha! I thought it wouldn’t come at all and by that time, I’ve already lost maybe three quarter of my hope of ever receiving the camera. *insert shy laughing face here* But never mind that, its on it way to me alreadyyy! My patience paid off! Weee! *another dancing emoticon here* Hahaha!
In all honesty though, its not actually really about the prize for me. Its more on maybe believing in these kind of promotions and contest that there really are winners. Because let’s be honest with our selves, when you join a contest, our first thought is not about winning. Its more on like this is just another sort of contest where no one actually wins but I’ll join anyway that comes into our mind, right? Maybe some really are like that. But some aren’t. And I guess I was just lucky enough to join one that made me believe that there are indeed legit contest who have legit winners. 🙂
Have faith, dear. Not just on promotions like this but on any other aspects of your life because who knows, you might just be lucky enough to get ahold of something you never thought of having. Kudos to Smart Telecommunications for the awesome promotions and services. ☺
P.S.
I received my price from the mail today. ☺️
I just had to reblog THIS.
It was 7:00 the morning of Emma’s First Communion, and I already had been up for two hours prepping for the
My mom arrived earlier in the week, and we had been prepping ever since. We sipped coffee as our eyes scanned the room, our list-making brains doing their thing.
“The succulents don’t look right in that planter – they aren’t raised up enough or something.” I mumbled quietly to myself. Or so I thought.
But in the time it took for me to park Phoebe in front of Frozen, my mother had abandoned her coffee and disappeared. I looked out the kitchen window and there she was, in my backyard wearing her nightgown and robe, gathering bricks from my garage. Sweet Jesus. She’s collecting bricks to raise up the succulents.
My mom is a fixer, a do-er, a…
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I wonder why I shunned happiness.. It wasn’t easy to find. And it just gets harder to keep it once you’ve found it. And upon relating it to my own experience, the more you shun it, the more it keeps on coming at you.
Have you ever wonder? People who are sad and depressed sees and feels happiness easily. Seeing, but not feeling. They see it coming off other people, feel the happiness they must be feeling but somehow, not feeling it deep inside them. They see children running around, laughing their youthful wonder without worries. Teenagers, having the time of their lives with their so-called lovers. Adults, who seem to be living the life they’ve always dreamed of with their two-point fives.. And the old ones.. Kissing and telling their partners, of give or take half of their life, how much they love them and still is happy to be with them after all those years.. They see all these happy people around them without feeling what they’re feeling and are left wondering, why can’t I be happy just like them? I’ve been through it a few times and believe me, you will not have it so easily.. The kids will fall down and scratch their knees and cry.. Every single teen will bawl their eyes out for their first, second, third heartbreak, mum and dad will worry about their childrens’ future, and the oldies will be broken hearted again when their love ones leave them. Though remember this.. It’s only for a while.. The happiness and the pain, that is.
What I’m trying to point out is, you may have found your happiness and drown yourself in it. But the truth is, it will not last. Treasure it and feel it while you have it. Don’t shun it away like I did. I walked away from more than one shot of happiness. I worried that it will not last. Again, truth is, I never really did give it a chance to start.. But I’ve learned my mistake. I just got my shot. And from this moment onward, I am not gonna regret every single shot that I’ll take. (Though I don’t think I’ll take every shot the universe’s going to throw my way. Can’t be too greedy else I lose my grip on reality.)
Like I said, its also hard to keep it. Only because you are fighting so goddamn hard to keep it. For me, one’s not suppose to fight for happiness. Why? Because it defeats the purpose of being happy. Fight to get that shot, yes. But once you have it and got a taste of it, there will be nothing left to fight. All that’s left will be pure unadultered bliss. And when a need to fight arises, it’s prolly time for you to let go and wait for the next shot. (And while waiting, instead of wallowing in grief and misery, try to make other people happy. Others may have never felt it. Make your hiatus in happiness worthwhile and make them feel what’s it like to be happy.)
Happiness will come.. And then it will go.. While you have it, risk for it. Risk for that one shot of happiness that you were blessed with because you will never know when your next shot will come. A piece of advice though.. Know when to let it go. And prepare yourself for it. You gain some, but then you also lose some. Call me a cynic or a pessimist but I’ve learned a long time ago that nothing lasts forever. Not happiness. Not love. Not even death. The sooner you accept that, the better your future will be. Less expectations, less disappointments.
This is the first time I’ve reblogged a post from WordPress, and its because I can’t take my mind off your friend Jared’s exploding soul theory. Even though you said he was ‘semi-serious’ when he mentioned the so called theory, I can’t help but think that it must be one of the best theories I’ve ever heard. All of us have lost someone important to us, and to imagine that a piece of our dearly beloved clings to us until our own souls explode to cling to another, is more than enough of a reassurance that we will always be close to them. And that they will always be a part of us. Im glad I happened to read your blog.
I had just been talking with a co-worker about growing tomatoes, and how I was late planting the tomato seeds I’d gotten at a friend’s funeral back in October, when I found out that that friend’s wife, Jodi, had died.
As usual, I’m struggling with the appropriate response…both virtually and in the real world. I’ve been on her Facebook wall repeatedly, tapping out letters and words that I then delete, feeling confused about just what is the appropriate response in the time immediately following the death of a friend.
After all, Facebook is where you wish “Happy Birthday” to people you rarely, if ever, see face-to-face, right? I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with posting an RIP message on somebody’s Facebook wall. But to honor the person in this case, there’s a need for something other than drive-by (surf-by?) condolences. And…
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I’ve not realized up until now that. I may just be digging my own grave what with all the staying up for more than twenty four hours, catching only but for a few stolen winks..
I love being alive.. But hated and detest living.. I may or may not have found my purpose yet but, I don’t think it’ll motivate me enough to wake me up out of this stupor I’ve slipped myself into. Its easy not to fall asleep, with all the thoughts running through my mind I can’t seem to comprehend.
Spending most of my waking time burying my nose on just about any kind of book I’ve stumbled into, helps me rear my thoughts. Helps me push them back to the confines of a black, fire and waterproof box buried at the back of my mind along with a few thousand more. Its just that Im having a hard time understanding things.
Until almost recently, my emotion’s almost non existent.. My laughs are fake, my smiles a thousand-watt pretentious. I need something real. I need something to make me feel alive. Something to make me feel like this pathetic life is worth living for. I don’t just need direction. I need a catalyst. And I need it now. Before its too goddamn late.
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